My Child’s Behavior Is Out of Control. Now What?

Does your child’s behavior seem totally unpredictable? Do you often get notes from teachers about your child’s behavior at school? Or maybe her behavior at home seems out of control.

Whether or not your child has learning or attention issues you’re aware of, behavior issues can feel overwhelming. Following these steps can help as you try to figure out what’s behind your child’s actions. You’ll find tips on how to curb them and where to turn for more advice and support.

1

Know what’s developmentally typical of your child’s age.

It can be hard to know if the behaviors you’re seeing are typical of a child of this age. Take a look at age-by-age learning skillsand developmental milestones. This knowledge can give you perspective (and perhaps peace of mind).

2

Find out how learning and attention issues can affect behavior.

If your child has a learning or attention issue, you may already know about some expected behaviors. For instance, various learning and attention issues can affect self-control. This can be especially true for kids with ADHD or sensory processing issues.

If you don’t know whether your child has a learning or attention issue, you can start by reading about common learning and attention issues. If you’re concerned your child may have one, find out what to do next.

3

Try to pinpoint the root of your child’s behavior.

Your child’s behaviors may appear random. But there may be underlying patterns that can help explain what’s causing them. Observing your child closely over time can help you make sense of problem behaviors.

Learn what to look for and what to write down. This creates a record that can help you and your child’s teachers and doctors spot patterns and come up with ways to help your child. These observation and note-taking steps require some patience and time. But they can be helpful for identifying the causes of behavior issues you’re seeing.

4

Request a behavior assessment.

A behavior assessment is a good way to figure out why your child acts a certain way. Also referred to as a functional behavior assessment (FBA), this approach can help you, your child and her teachers and doctors understand how she interacts with the world and people around her.

There are several different types of behavior assessments. Talk to your child’s school or doctor if you’re interested in scheduling one.

5

Find behavior help at school.

Whether or not your child has an IEP or a 504 plan, there are many ways to work with the teacher to improve your child’s classroom behaviors. A school behavior contract is a written agreement between your child, her teacher and often you. It’s designed to teach and reward your child’s positive behaviors. (See what a behavior contract can look like.)

A behavior intervention plan (BIP) is another approach. It can help replace a student’s negative behaviors with more positive ones. A BIP is often based on the results of a functional behavior assessment. It describes the problem behavior, the reasons the behavior occurs and the intervention strategies that will address it.

6

Find behavior help at home.

Are frequent tantrums or meltdowns an issue for your child? Does she struggle with being overexcited, lying, “getting stuck” on an idea, or accepting “no” for an answer? Or maybe you’ve noticed her bullying other children.

A parent-child behavior contract can help to enforce rules that you agree on together. Being very intentional and specific with praise can be helpful, too. Read more about managing the feelings that might be contributing to the behaviors you’re seeing. And explore Parenting Coach for hundreds of age-specific, everyday solutions to problem behaviors.

7

Learn about risky behaviors.

Children—especially teens—with learning and attention issues like ADHD may be more likely to engage in risky behaviors. These can include using alcohol or drugs, driving dangerously, having unprotected sex, cutting or having run-ins with the law.

Use these tips for reducing risky behaviors and explore resources for parents of at-risk teens.

8

Rule out disruptive behavior disorders.

If your child is consistently angry, defiant and aggressive for six months or more, it can be a sign of disruptive behavior disorder. There are two main disruptive behavior disorders: conduct disorder (CD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). They’re different from each other, although kids with CD may also have ODD.

Keep in mind that disruptive behavior disorders are not the same as learning or attention issues. While conditions like ADHD can affect behavior and other skills, they do not fall into the category of disruptive behavior disorders. To learn more about ODD and CD, visit Understood founding partner the Child Mind Institute.

9

Consider getting emotional help for your child.

If your child’s behavior is causing him chronic trouble in school or is seriously disrupting your family life, you may want to consider consulting a mental health professional. There are several types of emotional help available for kids with behavior issues, both in and out of school. For example, if your child has ADHD, behavior therapy may help.

Different professionals can offer different types of therapy. Talk with your child’s teachers about in-school counseling services. And discuss possible private therapy options with your child’s doctor, who may be able to offer local referrals.

10

Consider your own reactions.

Not letting your child’s behavior get to you is easier said than done. It can be hard not to get overwhelmed when your child misbehaves in public places or at home. Explore ways to respond when family and others try to interfere with your parenting. Get tips on how to talk with family about your child’s challenges—and her strengths.

You may also want to read about ways to keep from losing your cool, stop raising your voice at your child—and get past feeling guilty.

11

Find support.

Contact your local Parent Training and Information Center(PTI) to learn about behavior services and support near you. And join other parents from across the country in our online community. They can share tips and support as you work to find solutions to your child’s behavior issues.

originally posted here: https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/self-control/my-childs-behavior-is-out-of-control-now-what